There was a time when people expected newlyweds to soon add at least one or two babies to the family. Over the years, however, societal expectations for couples has eased, creating greater leeway with one of the biggest decisions of their lives — whether to become parents or remain child-free.
Nowadays, child-free couples in their 20s or 30s undoubtedly enjoy more freedom. They typically have more time and money than their friends who are parents of young children. But what is life like now for couples over 50 who haven’t had kids, whether by choice or by chance?
Are couples missing out when they have no grandchildren to take to the zoo or graduations to attend? Don’t be too quick to jump to that conclusion.
These child-free couples say that not having children or grandchildren hasn’t impeded their nurturing nature, marital happiness or ability to lead fulfilling lives.
Child-free Couples Often Misunderstood
Holly (59) and Gary (62) Wolf of Fleetwood, Pennsylvania, still field questions from people unsure of what to say after learning that the couple doesn’t have children.
When the couple was younger, the comment was, “No kids yet?” Later, remarks turned to “No kids? You’d better get working on it.” Now, even as the couple nears retirement age, they still receive inquiries. People ask, “No grandkids?” after learning that the couple never had children. “I simply say we have no kids — so, no grandchildren,” says Holly.
Holly and Gary, who’ve been married for 33 years, were open to having children but left pregnancy up to fate. “We decided, if it happens, okay. If it doesn’t, we’re okay with that, too,” says Holly.
Having kids was not in the cards for Holly and Gary, but they’ve never minded being child-free. The couple has many friends who invite them to be part of their own children’s lives. They enjoy participating in prom night send-offs, music recitals and holiday and birthday celebrations.
Without the responsibilities and expenses that come with having children, Holly and Gary have traveled extensively. They’ve taken vacations to several U.S. national parks and trips to Australia, New Zealand, Russia and China. The couple was also able to start saving for retirement sooner than many of their friends with kids.
No Kids? No Regrets
Holly and Gary have no regrets about not having children, they say. That doesn’t mean they haven’t encountered some judgment from other people along the way, though. One year, a coworker protested when Holly took extra time off during the holidays because Holly didn’t have kids.
“Because you have no children, people assume you have no family,” says Holly, who enjoys spending time with her parents and relatives as much as anyone with kids. “We have great family celebrations, and they’re very important to me.”
Meanwhile, Holly and Gary get to enjoy their friends’ families too, including getting to know their children.
“The stereotype that people without children are selfish, self-centered, greedy and don’t like kids is untrue,” says Holly. “We are blessed to have friends and family who’ve invited us to be part of milestone moments of their children’s lives, and that has been a wonderful experience for us.”
More Time to Help Others
When Jen Hutchinson was in middle school, she watched a television cartoon one afternoon that made a powerful impact. As animated images and digits demonstrating over-population popped up on a worldwide map on the screen, Jen took note.
“That always stuck with me,” says Jen, 50, who lives in San Diego, California, with her husband Chris Boucher, 58. Chris has two older children from a previous relationship, and the couple, who’ve been together for 12 years, both knew they didn’t want children.
“Our decision was based on the fact that there are so many kids out there who need parental figures,” says Jen. She and Chris have mentored nearly 20 children over the last ten years, an experience stemming from a chance meeting with a family living in the South Central neighborhood of Los Angeles.
Chris, who lived with Jen in L.A. at the time, met the family when he and another church member delivered groceries to them. Before long, Chris was taking the kids on outings to the beach. “I want you to meet this family,” Chris told Jen.
When the couple pulled up to the home, six kids emerged, curious about the new face in Chris’s car. “We all went to McDonald’s,” says Jen. “Later, I started doing beach days with the kids, and I just fell in love.”
Jen and Chris unofficially “adopted” the family, along with extended family members. They’ve helped pay for school and sports supplies, summer camp and medical costs over the years. They formed strong bonds with the kids, mentoring and encouraging them to pursue goals.
Making Meaningful Connections
“Finding the people you need — and who need you — might not look like what you expected,” says Jen. “They might be in a different zip code. They might not be your actual kids. But why shouldn’t more children and more people be secure in this world? It’s only going to help.”
One of the girls in the family is now a senior in college, majoring in social work. “She will be the first in her family to graduate from college,” says Jen, who occasionally wondered whether she made the right decision not to have kids but ultimately found fulfillment as a positive role model and friend.
“We spent last weekend together, and she told me she would not have made it through college without me, that I was the phone call that mattered,” says Jen. “And that’s because I had the space in my life to be her cheerleader and mentor.”
Child-free and Loving Life
Paige Arnof-Fenn (54) and George Fenn (61), of Cambridge, Massachusetts, never wanted children and have always been happy with their choice. “We are a two-entrepreneur, no-pet, no plant, no-kid family,” says Paige. She and George have always loved traveling and enjoy the freedom of no parental obligations to tie them down.
For example, the couple, married for 28 years, wasn’t limited to traveling only on spring breaks or during summer months. Instead, they often vacationed during off-peak times, paying lower airfares and hotel costs.
Even though the couple’s decision not to have children wasn’t based on finances, they’ve always enjoyed more disposable income, having never incurred the expense — around $233,000 to raise a child through age 17, according to the United States Department of Agriculture — of having children.
Over the years, Paige and George have taken nieces, nephews and godchildren to Europe, paid one private school and one college tuition, and hosted a nephew’s wedding. Meanwhile, they could move to new cities for job opportunities, never having to consider uprooting kids from their friends or locating a new school.
“I’ve never wished I had a child, so I know I made the right decision,” says Paige. “I love being an aunt and godmother, spending time together and then sending them home. I never wanted kids and never even expected to get married, so I am incredibly fortunate to have such a fulfilling life that’s filled with love.”
No Mom Genes Required
Just as parenthood can be a fulfilling experience, so can being child-free, especially when you have more time and energy to contribute to the lives of others. Besides, loving and caring about another person doesn’t require that you share the same DNA or last name.
“It’s a myth that if you don’t have your own children, a biological connection is the only way you can truly experience motherhood,” says Jen. “Helping other people can be just as fulfilling and equally as important, if not critical, to their lives.”
Are you part of a 50+ couple that doesn’t have kids or a younger couple who don’t plan to have children? We’d love to hear about your experience in the comments.
I never wanted children.
I love living a child-free life!
I wouldn’t trade it for the world!
Hi. I knew I never wanted kids when I was a kid myself and I’m 59 now. I’d just like to say a couple of things – articles on the child-free keep insisting that society dictates we should all have children. Who is this society, because I’ve never met it/them? It’s not my elderly male neighbour with dementia, or the cashier in the supermarket commenting on the high price of everything. It’s not the postman who comes to my door or the friend I’ve just spoken to on Zoom. Isn’t it the case, ‘society’ simply doesn’t care. As individuals we’re far more interested in our immediate concerns. As for me, providing what you do is mostly legal and not harming anyone, you’re all good.
The second thing is how, sadly, the child-free can seem very keen to point out how much effort they put into other people’s children, or how much they give to charity, as if they need a ‘get out of jail’ card for being child-free. It’s ok to be child-free…and that’s it. You may love other people’s children and be nurturing and caring. But guess what? You don’t have to be! It’s okay not to want to engage with other children, even to not like them. It’s okay to not be the equivalent of Mother Theresa. I’m not very nurturing. I’ve got other qualities that are important in life – like I’m shrewd, determined and creative. I don’t have to be nurturing. I can’t be everything. You don’t have to like children and neither do I.
I’m 21 and never wanted children (since i was a child) nor i ever want. seeing there are happy couples with a long-term relationship without having children, gives me hope. I never met a guy, who wanted a long-term relationship and didn’t want kids.
The Hartford’s Extra Mile, your article addressing the topic of being child-free and the impact it can have on the expectation of having grandchildren is an important perspective to explore. Your discussion on the societal pressures and assumptions surrounding this topic is thought-provoking. It’s crucial to recognize and respect individuals and couples who have made the decision not to have children and to challenge the notion that grandchildren are a necessary part of fulfillment. Thank you for shedding light on this often overlooked aspect of personal choice and family dynamics.
Never married guy here, 66. No regrets. Met ladies thru the years but those relationships ended when they mentioned wanting to have a family, meaning kids. Some of them did and their lives were misery (often because they married the wrong man and the kids were more than they bargained for) In 2019 I reconnected with someone from my past also never married and no kids. Throughout her working life (worked 38 years with the state) she saved her money, bought a house, paid it off in 22 years and then retired at 59. I retired at 61. Neither one of us could have done that if we had kids. We’re enjoying our lives in the country with three cats, a dog and often we get visits from other wildlife. Grandchildren are not always the answer to older folks being happy. Our health is excellent and some of that is due to not having the stress of raising children.
I am almost 35 years old. My husband is almost 49. I haven’t wanted children since I was a teenager. Some other girls liked babies, toddlers, and baby-sitting. Not me. As for my husband, he already had to help raise his five siblings.
We adore our pets. We are close with a few family members and friends. We donate money, food, clothes, and other items to various charities.
We are 33 years happily married and never had the desire to have children. We enjoy our extra time with parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. I honestly never listened to “the noise” asking why we never had kids. We are very encouraged by the many wonderful children being raised by our family members and friends. We do find it amusing how some people with kids think our financial independence is solely because we don’t have children. I know people with children that are actually financially sound and will likely retire at the same time we do. I also know people with no children that are upside down financially. We all own the decisions we make in life.
Just having kids without plans for kids can lead to a long legacy of dysfunction.
Traveling is bad for the environment. But so is having kids. In fact just living is bad for the environment. To each their own. I chose kids over excessive travel.
37 and suffer from depression / anxiety
So I’m afraid to have kids. I’ve been told this would only increase my anxiety. The thing is I love children and it makes me sad that I won’t have my own. Any advice? I can use it.
Hi there! Don’t be sad.
I use to think this. Then I had 2 kids in my 40s. Now in my 50s having children was the best thing in my life. Career or friends can never ever ever match having 2 biological children of your own. This is why God put us ultimately on this planet.
I am 60, and my wife is 66, we’ve been together 18 years, married the last seven. We don’t have children. Each of us has personal reasons for not having had children. The last few years it’s gotten very hard being childless. Neither of us has siblings we are close to both geographically and emotionally so we are not “involved” aunts either or god parents.Our friends with children are often involved with their grown adult children, and very heavily involved with their grandchildren so not a lot of time for other get-togethers. The same is true with their involvement in their nieces and nephews lives. We often feel like third wheels and odd outsiders, and because of our lack of immediate and extended family those empty lonely feelings get harder the older we get.
Many people with children do not see their adult children or grandchildren. They move away and live their own lives. Siblings do too. Your spouse is supposed to be your comfort and companion. Having children to keep you from being lonely in old age is a bad idea.
At 63 and 61, we’ve been married 33-years and still dismayed at the number of people who are troubled that we never had (or wanted) children. As for us we’re one another’s soul mates.
As for our siblings all have children and now most
have grandchildren. We’re happy for them but don’t feel we’re “missing out” on anything. We’ve never been the type that go gaga over babies. We’re ‘live and let live’ type people, meaning whatever people choose for their lives we wish them joy and happiness. We hope those that have children are happy and fulfilled by doing so, but more importantly that they raise good, honest, hard working, decent productive citizens.
I have 2 beautiful children that I couldn’t wait to have. Motherhood was something I always wanted. But my daughters … not so much. I am coming to the realization that I may not be a Grandmother. I respect their decision but I must say I will hate to see my family tree stop growing🪴
Just saying….as a 71 year old widow who has 2 kids, grandchildren and one grandchild I have had with me since she was a few months old & is now almost 23, my intention, desire and hope was to never have kids – was not permitted sterilisation by doctors and did become pregnant. After one child I thought two would be better, but never wanted any. Totally changed my whole life, of course should have adopted the first one out, but, family pressure and all that.
Why should we have to have children? Society pushes us as it thinks it is the norm.
I say “Great, wonderful, well done to all who could acheive a no kid life.”
I admire your honesty. My mother was pregnant at 14 and had to marry an 18 year old. Both uneducated. Had three children. Our childhood was not a good one. Worked low paying jobs my whole life because no chance for college. My mother is honest like you. She did what she had to do but says never wanted children. I made it a point to never have any. It is hard enough to make enough money for myself.
We were married for 4 years .. Im now 41 and still have no kids..we tried but still have no luck..The pressure is really driving me crazy…Always hearing comments “no kids yet?” ..At 1st i thought im ok if its not our luck or destined not to have one for as long as we love each other but as time passes by ive come to realized that love is not enough to nurture marriage..My husband is really longing to have one but what can i do . I love him but i know that one day he will leave me for not having a child..Sad but im preparing myself. I just hope that God would hear our prayers to blessed us even with 1 child..
Hi Audrey, I tried to have children too, but now I’m happy without any.
I’m 31 and childfree. I cannot find any partner in my area who is also childfree-minded.
I thought the same at one time. Then my wife and I got married and had kids. This happened in our 40’s and 50’s. And you know, having children makes you feel human. So go have kids. Or adopt. But have them. Don’t have furbabies. These are creatures and not people.
Well maybe for you. Not for everyone, so why don’t we just leave that decision up to them instead.
Furbabies often give unconditional love while there’s no guarantee human children will. Aside from that not everyone is fit to be tied down with the responsibilities of a family. I know I certainly wasn’t. Classic cars and freedom were more important as my debt free retirement now is. Would not have been possible being married with children.
I came from a big chaotic family with a rage-aholic father I knew at 10 years old that I did not want kids. Didn’t look like any fun to me. When I was married, my mother shockingly called me selfish. To me, it has nothing to do with being selfish, just a life choice. My choice.
We often do things to please others and not rock the boat. You have to draw the line somewhere.
It is a hard decision either way but for me and my spouse it is our decision and our decision alone. My wife is going on 37 and I am 40. I personally never had a great desire to have one and my wife dies not either. I spoil the hell out of my niece and nephews though.
Thanks. I’ll keep checking and reading.
I agree. Mine is 38 and I’m 39. I thought with time we were going to crave for them as we were told. 10 years have gone by. It feels now natural to be child – free and it feels great to spoil nieces and nephews. You’re just right
Thanks Pat. That’s very nice of you. I think there are forums out there where you can share your thoughts on the subject. I can’t think of specifics but Facebook has a group for the child-free, and if you Google ‘child-free’ or something along those lines, you should find some forums / discussion groups of people leaving comments at the end of articles.
Audrina..really great comments.
I like this part: ” Another thing that annoys me is that, sometimes, the childfree feel at pains to emphasise how they love spending time with nieces, nephews and other people’s children – as if they have to try and reassure society (whoever that is) that they’re okay as a person really. Stop apologising and explaining and don’t feel you have to say that if it’s not true.”
It’s so true.
It’s so great to read about how different people express their views in being child free.
I wish there were a “forum ” to share more encouraging thoughts on the subject!
I’m 57 and have never regretted not having children. As a child I realized myself that I didn’t want them and never changed my mind. I’m happily married, had a good career and retired early. I think it’s very old-fashioned to call people ‘selfish’ who don’t want children. Throughout history there has always been smaller or larger chunks of the population who don’t reproduce and our world today is shifting almost to suggesting that those who have too many children are ‘selfish’ themselves. I wish people would stop talking about who will look after them when they’re old. Did you really only have children as an insurance policy to make sure you’re taken care of? How selfish. Plus some families are estranged and live a long way away from each other. Another thing that annoys me is that, sometimes, the childfree feel at pains to emphasise how they love spending time with nieces, nephews and other people’s children – as if they have to try and reassure society (whoever that is) that they’re okay as a person really. Stop apologising and explaining and don’t feel you have to say that if it’s not true. I don’t like spending time with other people’s children. I like spending my time with nieces and nephews a lot more now they are older but that doesn’t happen often as my family is scattered about the country. That’s all fine by me. Also, I really haven’t had the vitriol thrown at me that the media and others seem to suggest is par for the course. The public may be far kinder, intelligent and forward-thinking than you think. No-one’s criticized me for my choice and I’d have something to say if they did.
Yes that is great but the genetic and a family tree drive still pushes the urge. Their are pros and cons, but having raised 5, and worked with hundreds its a better feeling that you have made an difference in the lives of so many.
We chose not to have children for many reasons. Perhaps the most important is over-population. The world does NOT need more children. We should add to the planet only if we truly are willing and able to invest the emotional, time, and material resources required to produce a healthy, happy, productive human being. We nurture our “nurturing” instincts in other ways, include my being an educator for 40+ years. When we die, our savings will go to charities rather than to offspring. After 50 years of marriage, we have no regrets! The word “selfish” hardly applies to us!
The comment on being selfish & greedy can be considered hurtful & demeaning in a way, some of us really had no choices for lack of a willing partner. Then there was always the guilt bestowed upon me by others that my parents never became grandparents, though this came from others & not them.
As long as I remember I’m asked to work longer hours, & extra as I don’t have family obligations. My last real vacation was in 2004. I never travel anymore aside of employment. How many would actually travel alone?
As of now I have found I have so little in common with my peers to share in conversations and even develop friendships.
How about an article for those of us who not only don’t have children but are truly alone in life?
Hi Craig,
I am currently pondering on the whole idea of having children or not. My partner is no longer able to conceive naturally so it would require a heavy process. A big part of my questioning is linked with the idea of being alone in the future, as you are describing. However, I thought to reach out with regards to your comments about travelling. I honestly highly recommend travelling alone. I have done it in several long trips through central America, South East Asia and parts of Europe and I cannot recommend it enough. It opens the doors to talk to a wide variety of people that you wouldn’t usually have the opportunity to talk to if you travelled with someone (and indeed travelling alone was how I met my now husband in a hostel so you never know what it might hold in store for you!) I cannot recommend it highly enough. And for some inspiration, I recommend the book ‘Tales of a female nomad’… A great read about a single older lady who decided to travel the world alone after her divorce…
I wish you the best of luck.
My wife and I are both the oldest kids from our respective families. I have a sister and she has 3 brothers and a sister who is 14 years younger. She spent a considerable amount of time taking care of her siblings so her Mom could work. Then she became a school teacher and was taking care of kids again. Expectations for grandchildren from both families were high. Before we got married we had talked a fair amount about future plans. Yes, we had fully expected to follow the 2 kids, dog and a house with a picket fence approach. Plans change. Career paths change and my wife opted out of teaching to pursue a career in law. Before taking that step we had several discussions on the timing of her going back to school and starting a job in the legal field. We realized if we wanted to start a family we would likely be in our mid to late 30s before starting and if we did it would require a disruption in her career path. We opted to be “selfish” as some have said, but it was the best decision and we’ve never regretted it. We’ve traveled, spoiled the 4-footed critters in our life, enjoyed our nieces and nephews and now some of their kids and we retired early to spoil ourselves as a reward for our hard work. We’ve been able to relocate to the other side of the country with no worries of missing our kids or grandchildren. We’ve made many new friends and have gone back to school for enjoyment and to keep ourselves sharp. In a way we’ve been very lucky as this pandemic disrupts the world. Both sets of our parents are gone so there’s no worry over them. And no worry about kid’s/grandchildren’s health or how they will survive this challenging period. Will there be issues as we age and become less independent? Probably. But questions like that give us the opportunity to study and prepare for that next phase of life and we will not be burdens to offspring. We’ve been married 47 years and have known each other for 10 years prior to marriage. Having a caring partner in a childless journey is important. We’ve been very fortunate.
No kids here but wonder about being old with no family to care for us and no one to leave it to but charity. Other than that its a but lonely but trying.
Sorry, I am new to this thread. I turned 50 this year and my husband and I have no children. I would love to be your friend as we get older. We have family here that might help us as we age but they all have kids and I wonder how lonely it will get.
My husband and I have no children. He has a son from a previous marriage. I’m 54 and he’s 62. I’m often very lonely and would have loved to have children. I love spending time with nieces and nephews but they have grown and have their own lives now. My husband is retiring this year so it would be great to have friends to travel and swap stories. 🙂
Never assume kids will take care of you. I cringe when I hear this😬Also, what is so bad about giving to a charity?
Not having children has opened up other ways of giving to others. My husband of thirty years and I are also only children. Stephen is 72 and I am 65. We volunteer with an international ministry to find donors to support children thru school in Bangladesh, India, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, Nepal and Africa. We have travelled extensively, and been able to more readily share our means with others in need. We have a very contented and full life.
Anyone man who had found a woman who didn’t want kids and grandkids is lucky indeed. Also one who doesn’t see the need for marriage if not religious. I may be alone, but that is way better than being in a mismatched relationship. I get to do what i want, go where i want, when i want.
Having a family was very much expected of me but my father’s life appealed to me much more than my mother’s. Now at 65, I am proud of having walked my own path which I have shared for the past 26 years with my partner who had a vasectomy in his early 30’s as he wished to concentrate on making art instead of babies. I love my life and have written a book about the growing awareness that having a family is not for everyone and what fulfilling lives many people lead who have chosen to create rather than procreate, to develop themselves and to be there for other people’s children. It’s a good, good life. With love from Amsterdam