Kids go through many phases as they grow up and as a parent, you were there every step of the way. Whether your kids were tantrum-throwing toddlers who hit each other or temperamental teens, you probably had tactics for controlling their behavior.
In fact, you probably convinced yourself that they would outgrow their tumultuous years. Unfortunately, not all siblings get along, even after they become adults. If you periodically find yourself between warring sons and daughters, you may want to consider what experts recommend for parenting adult children.
How To Help Your Children Avoid a Fight
Disagreements happen but when your adult kids argue frequently, it may be time to take action. The first step in helping your adult children avoid fighting is to focus on each one individually. It’s important to remember that each child brings different experiences and perspectives to the table.
Develop a Separate Relationship With Each Child
Even though your children are all grown up, they still need to know that they matter to you and that they matter equally. Competition between kids is often the root of conflicts, says Thomas Gagliano, a relationship expert and author of “The Problem Was Me.” It’s no different from when they were young. “You have to give your kids time and show them that they are important to you,” explains Gagliano.
Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and author of “When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along,” says it’s helpful to acknowledge that your adult kids are different from each other and to establish individual relationships with them. If your child thinks that you like them less than their siblings, it’s best to discuss their feelings rather than dismiss them. “You’re better off coming from a place of empathy and trying to understand why your kid feels this way than just saying it’s not true,” advises Coleman.
And although you may not want to avoid family activities entirely, if your adult kids argue, this may be a good time to go out with them individually. Avoid family dinners as an interim measure, recommends Elizabeth Fishel, co-author of “Getting to 30: A Parent’s Guide to the Twenty-Something Years.”
Emphasize the Importance of Strong Relationships
To reduce battles and bickering among your adult kids, it’s important to send a strong message about the benefits of good relationships between siblings, says Fishel. One way to do this is to talk about your own siblings and how your battles were resolved.
Gagliano recommends telling a story about how your own brother angered you or about the conflicts your mother and your aunt faced. “Tell your kids about how these situations can make you not want a relationship with your siblings, but that eventually people realize that they want to be close to their families,” says Gagliano. “It’s important to convey that good relationships are valuable and [that you have] the confidence that your kids can work out their issues,” adds Fishel.
Be Transparent About Financial Issues
Some of the most contentious fights between siblings occur because one sibling feels that the other is receiving more money from their parents.
What makes it worse is when the parents keep it a secret, explains Fishel. “It’s much better to openly explain that one kid is going through a bad patch or needs money for something specific and then explain that when the other needs help you’ll be there for them, too,” she adds. Coleman advises parents to be mindful that they’re giving equal financial help to their children and to be as conscientious and open as possible about money.
Read more: How to Stop Giving Money to Grown Children
What To Do If a Fight Starts Between Your Children
Gagliano suggests that parents monitor the argument between their adult offspring to see if they can come to a resolution without parental involvement. If there’s no apparent resolution, and you decide that an intervention is required, there are ways to handle the disagreement in order to arrive at a more peaceful outcome for your family.
Don’t Try To Control the Situation When Your Adult Kids Argue
Telling your kids that they have to stop bickering and get over their argument invalidates their feelings, says Gagliano. He suggests trying to remain nonjudgmental and letting them work out their differences. “You can’t guilt your kids into stopping a fight or into seeing you or their siblings more often,” says Coleman. “Guilt backfires and makes your adult kids more withdrawn.”
Acknowledge That You Can’t Stop the Fight
“You can’t fix your kids’ issues with each other, they have to do it themselves now that they are adults,” explains Gagliano. Parents, particularly mothers, often feel as though they are bad parents if their kids don’t get along as adults, says Coleman. “You just have to accept the limitations of your own power,” he says. “Don’t feel guilty about something you can’t control. Just accept it and let it go.”
Listen, but Don’t Pick a Side When Your Adult Kids Argue
Gagliano advises that parents should never agree with one kid or the other, but he does think that parents should listen to their children’s complaints. “Ask each individually how they are doing and about what’s going on,” he says. “You can’t fix the problem yourself, but you can validate their feelings and say you’re sorry if they are hurt or angry.”
Gagliano recommends that you should never excuse your kids to each other or defend their siblings because that can add to the tension. “You can empathize about a situation but never ally yourself with one child or another unless one of them is doing something truly terrible to the other,” says Coleman.
Avoid Being the Go-Between When Adult Kids Argue
Stepping between your fighting kids could make them turn on you. If you’re not able to be entirely objective and even-handed when talking to your kids about their issues, then you could end up with each of them assuming you’ve picked a side, warns Gagliano. “Acting as a go-between doesn’t work,” says Coleman. “In fact, your kids will likely tell their siblings what you’ve said to each of them and you could end up with all of them angry with you.”
Consider Whether You’re Contributing To the Problem
Complaints about favoritism are common in many families and can be the underlying issue when adult siblings fight. “If you are overtly or subtly favoring one child over the other, you could be contributing to their not getting along,” explains Coleman. “You can’t control your adult kids but you can control your own behavior.”
Gagliano says his mother labeled him and his brothers as the “smart one,” the “creative one” and the “good-looking one.” The resentment caused by those labels continues to plague their adult relationships. “Comparison is the death knell of sibling harmony,” says Fishel. “It’s never too late to stop comparing your kids and to appreciate each child for who they are.”
Ask for a Favor
Although you can’t force your children to get along, you can ask them to be polite to each other once or twice a year so that you can see your family all together. “This works particularly well if you have grandkids because it’s natural to want to see them together,” says Coleman. “Most parents will be willing to be polite for the sake of their children and their nieces and nephews,” adds Coleman.
Lobby for a Compromise
If your adult kids argue over something relatively simple such as restaurant choices or where to celebrate holidays, this might be one time that you can weigh in. Try to resolve the issue with a logical compromise, advises Fishel. Make sure that you’re being fair to all your children when you offer your solution.
Often, the best approach when it comes to sibling fights is just waiting it out. As your kids mature and time passes, there’s likely to be a lessening of animosity between them, says Fishel. Just remember that most of the time it’s best for parents to stay out of an argument because they can just add fuel to the fire, suggests Fishel.
In the meantime, bear in mind that your days as a parent are never really over. How you handle parenting your adult kids can ease tension between the siblings. “United siblings are so much stronger than divided siblings,” remarks Fishel. “Tell your kids that even if they are bickering about minor things, it’s important to know they can lean on each other through emotional heartbreak or other frustrations. This becomes even more important later in life.”
We want to hear from other parents. Have you had the heart-splitting experience of your adult children not getting along? Did you try the strategies above or do you have any other suggestions for when adult kids argue? Share your story in the comments and maybe your story will help another parent going through a similar situation.
Read more: 13 Grown-Up Things Kids Should Know
View Comments (117)
What is considered so terrible that I need to get involved?
Also, what can I say to them to get them to try and make amends?
I am not the parent, but I would like to post my situation and hopefully get some suggestions on how to fix the chaos.
My mother, 81 yrs had 5 children all adults today. The youngest was the natural child of the stepfather who raised all of them. He passed in 2019 and the youngest moved in immediately. August of 2021 the mother commented to daughter #3 that she was going to finance the house and give 50% to the youngest and the other 50% to the four remaining, three months later she signed the entire estate to the youngest covertly and kept secret until daughter #3 researched the house and learned of the gifting.
Shocked, hurt and knowing it was the result of manipulation (undue influence) from past instances she had witnessed being around the mother, she made known she planned to contest this. The youngest became irate and has been cruel to daughter #3 and the mother has joined the youngest afraid to not support the youngest as she is very controlling. Daughter #3 has been outcasted, and estranged and she is disabled with 2 other siblings also disabled with one being legally blind.
The mother's joining the youngest has caused many problems and the youngest fuels any negativity to keep her siblings from the mother.
the siblings are not welcome in the home, the family home of almost 40 years to visit with their mother which the youngest fills the mother's head with they don't care about her.
I have tried to keep out of my very adult 4 daughters quarrel, but it is now affecting our holidays and harming the young nieces and nephews not enjoying their cousins. I finally asked each of them separately what the offending sibling would have to do to get harmony. They each told me, I wrote it down and asked that what we said be kept private and not discussed with any of the other siblings. Unfortunately, the sibling who you might say started it has never responded to me what her sisters would have to do and her husband then filled me in on why she hadn't. I dropped the ball, their dad was in hospice at home and he has passed and a multitude of things needed to be addressed. It is affecting my stress level, we have 6 children, two do not join in these "slights". I right now am contemplating asking the "outcast" to put aside her feelings and personally apologize for whatever her part was in the battle. The cousins are all being robbed of what family is all about, they enjoy their aunts but have loyalty to their mom.
As an aside, my husband was estranged from his sister for 40 years and my children did not know their cousins. So this is not new.
I can't go through another of these "vendettas", I was fortunate that all 5 of my siblings and I respected our differences, we still have a good relationship with each other and we range in age from 77 to 91.
My other option is to have a family counseling with the offending parties, don't know what kind of counselor we should hire if the girls were willing to do it.
Any comments would be appreciated, Easter is almost here, may be too late for this holiday, or any family gatherings we had always had that were wonderful.
This all started during Covid lockdown when social media was a way of life. So it's been a while.
Hi. I am in this situation right now my son with my daughter .
😭😭😭 so tired
Well, it’s Christmas Day and I wondering what to do and here I come across this article. Two daughter 35 and 29. They do not get along. One saves her money and try to move up in life. She makes six figures but shop for good things in the clearance racks. My other one, has a decent job but blows all her money. We have tried to show her how things can get better. She has a German shepherd and lives in a tiny apartment.(not good for dog or her)we have told her to give up the dog, move in with dudter(has a spare room) pay a bit of rent and try to save and get back in her feet. But no, she for not want to compromise on anything.she says if I want to give any financial help, it has to be unconditional. She says that I’ve neglected her and she suffered emotionally. I am flabbergasted. I apologized and told her I did the best I know how. I gave her everything I possibly could. Bought a $2k violin for her in middle school, even though I couldn’t afford it. I’ve tried to reason with her but to no avail.she is resentful of the older sister. ..who has made a lot of sacrifices to get where she’s at. So I don’t know where this millennial will end up. She also lost almost all of her hair on her hard, and my heat breaks and crumble, when I think about it. We do not know what causes it. She had been to doctors but no cure and I know she has given up.I’m sad and scared.i am now 62 . Today, I pray and hope, for her and her sister, for all of us mothers, who try so hard..God help us to go on.
I have two sons who get on then don't the fighting is getting worse I am now 53 and ill I can't cope with it please help
I agree with article to stay out of it and tell them they can’t bring it to your house, that those are your boundaries for your own peace of mind. Also how to listen. Maybe they’ll settle down soon.
Lol I feel like threatening my two sons with giving their inheritance somewhere that people care about one another. I don't if they care about how bad it makes me feel. Their mother passed away years ago and she would be very upset with them for not getting along! So I think I'll hint to them to not think they'll receive 100% of their inheritance. I know it sounds crappy but I don't care. They're good human beings, respectful and responsible and all that. I'm thinking of vaguely hinting about not giving them their inheritance. Saying it in an indirect way so they would get the picture just to see if it would vaguely make any difference. I'll report back in the future. LOL
Thank you for an enlightening article. My husband (of 36 years) and I have two children over 30. They never got along, although we always tried to show them why a good sibling relationship is important. Unfortunately, both my husband and I don't enjoy any sort of relationship with out own siblings so we can't provide a good example as to how it is done.
Both our kids are positive, respectful and honest. They studied and hold good long-standing jobs. They are mostly financially independent and we are very often in touch either by phone or meeting for meals together.
They often call to complain about their sibling and my approach is to listen and understand but not to step in. My son thinks I should, and says that by not "doing something" about their squabbles and "telling her" I am actually taking sides, because my daughter and I are very close. We remind him that we listen to them as much and as often as they need, that we love him very much, and that we love them both very much.
Now we consider the coaching option and wonder whether we should all go or just the two of them as adults. What do you think we should do?
We have 3 adult children.
Daughter 38 yo divorced with 7 daughter
Son 35 yo married with 15 mo daughter
Son 30 yo married with 4 Mo daughter
Daughter and 35 yo son are at odds. Live 1 hour apart. Impacting how often the grandkids see each other.
Latest problem is this Thanksgiving. 35 yo son mad b/c we and our daughter/granddaughter might leave to travel cross country to see 30 yo son/wife for Thanksgiving.
I realize now our 35 yo son thinks we favor our daughter due to her divorce and now a single mom. We do help more with her 7 yo daughter -more time, not our money
I think they are both very prideful. I pray for humble hearts. It would be miraculous if this happened.
It does affect 30 yo son/wife. They’re caught in between
Marilyn D your family sounds like mine. My two daughters 53 and 55 have always fought. You’d think at their ages they’d grow up. Before my husband passed away we always hosted every event at our house. There was always tension and I didn’t get to enjoy my family.
Now I have had to downsize and others have to plan occasions. Neither want to invite the other. This makes for some hurt feelings.
I don’t want to get involved so sometimes I just stay home. The first Christmas after my husband passed was spent alone. I was heartbroken that they failed to see my need.
Now it’s Mother’s Day and one has asked me to join her family; when the other asked my plans she got upset with me and hasn’t spoken to me in several days. 😢💔
Depending on the situation, it could be the parents to blame and making it worse.
While at a weekend away, my sibling instigated going off on me how he was angry my spouse didn’t come say hello to our mom when we first arrived. He did this in front of the kids and when I said ‘stop’ he wouldn’t stop, he kept going on his tantrum rant.
My father told him to stop and he wouldn’t until he was done with what he wanted to say.
Next morning, we were meeting for breakfast. I got a large table inside the restaurant to accommodate all. My mother was annoyed at me it was inside when she told me in text on the patio. I said I misread the text and apologized.
I have one child, my sibling has two- all of them got a table on the patio and didn’t even say for us to join, including my child. I tried to have the waiter add seats for the 3 of us on the patio & my family didn’t even look at me so I abandoned that.
My mother came over and said her and my father were sitting with my sibling since they see is more.
After the weekend my parents didn’t bring it up with me so I setup time to speak to them, my mom was very cold about it. I met at a time that worked for them.
my parents were so focused that my spouse didn’t say hello right away that they felt the ‘rivalry’ was on both sides. They admitted my sibling is very dismissive and mean to me and my family, but got mad at me that I didn’t just let it go.
This has been a pattern, this wasn’t the first time, happened so many times. How many times am I supposed to show-up and have me and my family, especially my child treated like that? I had let it go in the past and just keeps happening, sometimes worse. My sibling doesn’t even acknowledge my child exists (doesn’t say goodbye, doesn’t invite to join his children).
I accept my siblings apology immediately but there are no actions to follow that it’s genuine so I distanced myself and my parents get on me for being the reason our family is torn. They keep saying they don’t want to get in the middle while also saying it’s on both of us yet it’s very one-sided.
It’s bad parenting. My parents could nip it in the bud if they empathized with me and told my sibling immediately that behavior is unacceptable. Seems they are scared of my sibling that is narcissistic . I’m outnumbered and feel either me and my family are a doormat or I can’t participate with my sibling.