How to Navigate Changing Relationships Later in Life

Carol Bloom was still working from home when her husband Bob retired in 2014. Though they had been married for decades, Bob’s retirement disrupted their long-standing routine.

“He wanted to chat more,” Carol recalls. “It seemed like I had to remind him I had a deadline.” Carol had become Bob’s primary source of socializing, which got in the way of her work.

The Blooms’ experience is a common one that may take retirees by surprise. That’s because relationships may  feel  rather settled later in life. While many relationship-changing life events—such as job changes, marriage or parenthood— may have already occurred,  relationships can go through further transitions as you navigate changes such as retirement.

According to Natalie Pine, managing partner of Briaud Financial Advisors you should anticipate that you and your spouse will continue to evolve and change as you age. . “My relationship with my own husband is different now than it was when we got married at 22, and it will be different when we are 60. People are always changing,” Pine says.

Understanding how and why these relationships may evolve can help with navigating the adjustment period and strengthening bonds.

When Retirement Changes the Picture

Recent retirees may be surprised at the range of emotions they experience. Pine has seen many couples struggle because the retiree leans on their spouse while trying to adjust to their new retired status. This can be especially pronounced when one partner has been a stay-at-home spouse prior to the other’s retirement.

“The stay-at-home spouse is used to having space while their partner worked,” Pine explains. “The retiree may think, ‘My spouse is going to just love me being around!’ But they don’t.”

Such misaligned expectations in a marriage can cause resentment. Whether both spouses worked and retired simultaneously, or if their retirements are staggered, or if only one spouse worked outside the home, the transition from work to retirement will require a renegotiation of the marital routine.

“People think through and plan their careers,” Pine says, “but they think it’s like ‘POOF’ and magically retirement happens.” She recommends pre-retirees think through what they want retirement to look like..  Acknowledging this life transition can be just as significant as marriage or parenthood can allow retirees and their spouses to have more grace with each other as they navigate changes.

How Health Concerns Can Affect Marriage

It’s tough to consider how our lives and relationships  can change if our health status changes. . That’s why it is a good idea to talk through the potential impact of health challenges before they occur.  

Pine recommends that all couples have a serious discussion about what they will do in the event of significant health concerns.. Part of the discussion may include asking each other about expectations and the level of care each can provide given their own health status. Talking about the potential need for additional help in providing care is an easier conversation before health status changes.

When Martial Status Changes

The end of a marriage, either through divorce or death, can also have ripple effects on other relationships. Understanding how these changes may affect your life is an important part of planning ahead.

For instance, getting divorced later in life used to be relatively rare. But in the years since 1990 divorce rate more than doubled for those aged 55 and older. One in four divorces in the U.S. now includes individuals aged 55 or older. Rather than simply accept an unhappy union, more older adults are now willing to end their marriage. While divorce is financially and emotionally devastating at any age, researchers have found that women who divorce after age 50 on average face a 45% drop in their standard of living, while men in that age demographic see an average of 21% drop.

There’s a similar drop in the standard of living for widows and widowers. According to research published by the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago, individuals see their annual income fall by an average of $5,500 per year, or 11%, after the death of a spouse. That income level remains in place for the next two years. This issue is more pronounced for women, who are widowed at about twice the rate of men.

These realities are why it’s imperative to plan ahead for retirement as a couple—and as an individual. Knowing how you will navigate the financial side of singlehood can help make the transition less overwhelming.

But it’s also important to think about who you can lean on in your support network and what relationships will help sustain you. Cultivating relationships with friends and with your adult children may help you better handle life transitions.

Friendships Are Essential

Though we often focus on intimate family relationships when we think about vital connections later in life, the importance of friendship cannot be underestimated

Researchers have found that loneliness increases the risk of death after age 60, and cultivating and maintaining strong friendships can help protect against loneliness. By strengthening your friendship bonds, you can create a larger network of community and may increase your own sense of purpose.

In addition to staying in touch with old friends, it can be important to foster new friendships, as well. Casey Shipley is excited to try new things and meet the people that it will bring her in contact with.

“After working for 53 years, it’s a strange feeling to realize you can do whatever you want,” she says.

For instance, she’s looking into volunteering with the zoo. There is an educational program that sends volunteers into schools to teach kids about animals. “That would be fun to try,” Casey says.

Whether you spend time volunteering, attempting a new hobby, taking classes, or trying a new exercise, the people you meet and befriend  can be a major part of your enjoyment.

Staying Connected With Your Adult Children

Demelza Campbell, CEO of Parental Wealth, knows how difficult it can be for adult children and their parents to acknowledge each other’s capabilities. This can cause some serious friction between the generations. And if there is history of a strained relationship, it may make connections even more difficult. But Campbell encourages retirees to reach partnership with their adult kids, which  may foster a new chapter in the relationship—although it can be tough to get there. Be patient and give space for everyone to navigate the feelings that may be present.

Campbell  notes that “Retirement is a perfect opportunity to acknowledge any outstanding issues that may have dug their heels in.”

Specifically, Campbell tells retirees to talk openly about your concerns, how you want to age, and what you want to experience in retirement. Then ask your children about their own concerns and wants. That’s how you can forge a partnership together.

Understanding Expectations

Misaligned expectations can be another source of serious familial tension. Campbell often sees adult children who expect their parents to provide financial support. They may also expect that their parents will feel fulfilled by spending time with grandchildren. Retired parents may expect financial support from their kids or may expect to handle their finances without any help or input.

“When—not if—these expectations don’t align,” Campbell says, “it’s essential to get on the same page. Discuss them one by one and ask, ‘What am I missing?’”

Casey Shipley already established such a foundation with both of her adult daughters prior to her retirement. Now, after one daughter has moved to Minneapolis and the other has moved to Tennessee, Shipley has been honest with them about her plans.

“I think about moving to Tennessee,” she says, “and my daughter would really like [that]. But she’s all I have there.” Casey has ruled out the possibility of moving to Minneapolis because of the harsh winters—so she’s decided to stay put for the time being. Both of her daughters respect this choice.

By talking openly with both daughters about her plans, Casey keeps them in the loop and knows their feelings, concerns and preferences.

Adapting to Your Changing Relationships

Being aware that relationships will likely evolve as you age, may help ease the transitions.  An openness to the changes and welcoming the new opportunities might just bring new adventures and opportunities.